stupidly funny

we return again to frankly friday!
(random musings from the week)

1.  Let's talk spiders.  I found one in the trash can this week on Monday.  I found one on my sweater on Wednesday.  Freak out, Freak out!  They seem to flock to me like it's mating season.  Hello?  I'm never going to conquer my arachnophobia with all these eight-legged horror stories!  (How my mother ever thought I would enjoy the book Be Nice To Spiders as a child is simply beyond me.)

So, here's the deal ... Don't like 'em.  Don't want 'em.
Contrary to the book, I WILL NOT be nice to you.
Not at work.  Not at home.  Not anywhere.  No thank you.

A haiku for the spiders...

I hate you spiders

You will be hit with my shoe

Eight legs no more, die

I hope they all get my PSA (Public Spider Announcement) and decide to check in elsewhere before total annihilation.

2.  Speaking of childhood bookshelves...I also received a book called The Stupids for some holiday or birthday as a youngster.  Remember that book series and/or movie?  Yep, it was pretty stupid.

But, here's the thing ...

I wasn't ALLOWED to say stupid in my house.  Or crap.  Or dang.  Or butthead.  Or shut-up.

So my Momma got her Sharpie out and went to town.  She crossed out EVERY single stupid and wrote in funny.

It looked a lot like this:

       FUNNIES
The STUPIDS had a cat they named Dog.

I still think this is hysterical.  I'll have to thank my Mother for my twisted sense of humor.

3.  Speaking of family, I share my Netflix password with my sister.  Therefore, my Netflix has multiple personalities and does not REALLY know what I like.  Henceforth, it was suggested that I watch a Deadly Disaster Movie this week...   Huh?  You think I should watch Pierce Brosnan save a small town from a volcano this week?  Don't you know me at all?  It's like you WANT me to have nightmares!

Side Note:  Deadly Disaster movies get me so carried away that I end up worried that there will, in fact, be a tornado-hurricane-volcano-lightning-ebola outbreak-ice storm of the century in my backyard.

Let's just say that everything's fine and dandy until someone ends up dead in a hot spring.  May I ask one important question?  Why is there always a dog that might not make it out of the onslaught of lava?  I predictably end up in tears yelling at the movie...No, No!  Save the puppy!!  (Seriously, I look like I'm watching Intervention or a Hallmark commercial ... UGLY save the puppy cry.)
People?  Meh.  They can save themselves.  But the poor, sweet puppies?!?!?!  Ah!  Can't take it.

Somebody close my eyes and find me a box of tissues ... I'm about to change my Netflix password.

4.  PEACHES PEACHES PEACHES PEACHES PEACHES

Who decided it was a good idea to tell me it was National Peach Month?  You know how I feel about holidays.  Mandatory celebrating!  Obligatory Peach Peeling!  Repetitive singing of the late 90's hit ... Now, what was that song again?  Oh!  Peaches!!  Millions of Peaches!!

Whew.  Someone reign me in here.

I made some delightful ice cream this week with ... you guessed it!  Peaches!  I added some extra vanilla and vanilla beans and it turned out like a Peach Creamsicle.  Yum.

Peach Creamsicle Ice Cream

(Find the recipe HERE)

5.  The Boyfriend and I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to decide what Herbie the puppy should be for Halloween.  He snores JUST like a little piglet, which makes us want to give him a curly cue tail.  However, he is prissy and takes naps on the couch like a little fur ball kitty cat.
Decisions, decisions.
But yesterday I found this picture of a shark.
Oh.  My.  Goodness.
SHARK WEEK!!

We haven't bothered to ask the puppy what he wants to be.  Herbie totally thinks he is a tiger. 

 Until football season.  Then, NO TIGERS ALLOWED in the house!  Only Gamecocks.  

So, it will be totally cool if he's a shark for Halloween.  Right?  

6.  I will leave you with a final shocking fact.  My love bear has never seen Star Wars.

Seriously.

(That sound you just heard?  It was the collective gasp of nerds across the country.)

This fact has never been more evident than on Tuesday ... when he asked me, "Who is Carrie Fisher?"
Holy Moly.
The Force is not with you, my love.

(My Baking Assistant using her Jedi mind tricks to get more treats from me.  

This is also similar to her PET ME face...Hmmm.  Pet me now, you will.)

I hope that all of you have an anti-spider, stupidly funny, disaster free, peachy keen and force filled SHARK WEEK!

xoxo,

the unsolicited baker

driving miss daisy

It has recently come to my attention that I might be an old lady trapped in an impossibly hip young body.  Yes, my friends.  I must have fooled you big time.  The boyfriend seems to think that my slow driving qualifies me for the senior discount at the movie theater.

So I got to thinking...and I found myself equally divided between cool twentysomething and Rose from the Golden Girls.  (Which, if you ask me, only adds to my charm.)

Please take this little quiz to determine if you, too, are an old lady:

1.  Do you drive too slow?
2.  Do you find Grumpier Old Men, Diagnosis Murder and Monk to be entertaining?
3.  Do you bruise easily and find yourself wildly uncoordinated?
4.  Do you like to knit?
5.  Do you know the word fiddlesticks or have ever used it in conversation?
6.  Do you yell the answers to Jeopardy at the televison?
7.  Do you enjoy a good cardigan to keep the evening chill at bay?
8.  Do you have a few spry and stubborn gray hairs?
9.  Do you need glasses or contacts for just about every activity?
10.  Do you find bran muffins a yummy breakfast treat?

Did you answer YES to most of these questions?  Well, then.  Thank your Grandma for the tips and join me at the Early Bird Special.

It's the pits being old.  And so are my peaches.  I stopped to pick up a basket yesterday from a local stand and by golly those things aren't ripe yet!  Patience is not one of my stronger virtues (point for the hip young person) so waiting for peaches is practically torture.  Especially when all of the recipes I want to make involve them.  Like Peach Pie.  Peach Ice Cream.  Peach Crumble.  Mmmmmmmm.....

I got so dang hungry thinking that I went to the kitchen so that I could make something...anything...to make me feel better about being elderly.  I haven't been to the grocery store in a few days so I prepared to improvise.  And what did I come up with?  Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins.  Definitely not hip.  Do the young people today even say hip?  Just put me on The Golden Girls already!

Poppin' Poppy Seed Muffins

These muffins are SO tasty!  They are light, lemony and M WORD. 

 So good, in fact, that I ate three.  

Waste not, want not, people.  

Now, I'm going to go rip a napkin in half and eat one more of these muffins.  Cause half a napkin means saving money ... cause we're in the depression ... I mean a recesssion ... nevermind.

Fiddlesticks!

Where's my Metamucil?

xo,
the unsolicited baker



 

if it's not fruity...it's probably nuts

Let me be frank about something...IT'S FRIDAY!
(my random musings from the week)

1.  This week started out with the most wonderful Sunday.  Oh, it was bliss.  The kind where you stop and marvel at the sheer beauty of the day...and the fact that you are breathing deep with relaxation.  Sigh.

My boyfriend and I ate brunch at a favorite restaurant and followed up with a trip to my favorite bakery.  It was the perfect start to Terrific Lady Day!  The bakery had a Tiramisu cupcake and I just HAD to try it!  (No, my love bear did not go in with me ... something about the smell of sweets and allergies or some nonsense).  All I can say is that there were googly eyes made at the cupcake ... and there was some eating involved.  Perhaps before we even got home.  Couldn't say.

To work off all that cake, we took a wee trip to the lake.  It was a beautiful day, so when I pulled out my book to start reading, the sky looked something like this:

(Do you feel like you're on a boat because my picture is tilted?  Totally ON PURPOSE.  Kind of)

Not an hour later, I had the sneaking suspicion that we were headed the wrong way.  

Like, into the rain.  

Like, my boo bunny wants to be part of Storm Chasers. 

Like, we can't watch that show ever again. 

Like, this is no longer Terrific Lady Day.  Refund Please.

Like, get me out of here...?

(eek.  the imposing storm...dun, dun, dun)

Never fear.  We survived.  

And ... I got a watermelon from a roadside stand out of the whole ordeal.  

TLD success?  I think so.

2.  Speaking of melons...I've had this issue on Twitter...and it makes me want to write a letter.

     Dear Adult Entertainment Stars that mysteriously follow me on the Twitter,
     I understand that you are into comparing lady bits and all that...but I like mine just fine
     thank you very much and don't need to see yours.
     Surely you understand?  Keep up the good work inspiring Honey Boo Boo's future profession.
     Love, Me

3.  Do you know what seems nuts to me?  Having three bad dreams in one week.  Three!  I never remember my dreams and all of the sudden...BOOM.  Bad dreams about summer camp, bugs and a poem.  Oh, you read that right.  A poem.  My mother used to lull me to sleep reciting some truly terrifying poetry.  Of course, at the time, I thought nothing of it - good rhythmic words and I was out like a light.  But looking back?  I was probably such a good child because of these poems.  If you would like to subliminally teach your child respect and promote possible nightmares as an adult, please memorize the following poem: Little Orphan Annie.  I agree that you should mind your parents, teachers and elders...but there are goblins in the poem.  That will get you...if you DON'T WATCH OUT.  Really?  Who thought that was age appropriate?

I'll have to thank my mother.

4.  I would really like a John Stossel button that, when pushed, says GIVE ME A BREAK!  Has that already been invented?  I feel like I'm onto something good here...

5.  So, sometimes on a weeknight during happy hour...I get a sideways glance from my love biscuit.  I know that said look could mean one of two things:
A.  Trouble.
B.  That he will be "whisking me away" to the Sonic for a half-price slushie.

Usually it's the slushie...

Now, I'm not the world's most avid slushie fan.  I'd really rather have a milkshake.  But I could tell that the flavor combinations would make an excellent cupcake.  So...I got to work and found a recipe that tasted pretty darn close....

Please meet the cherry limeade cupcake...a lime cake base with a limeade glaze topped with a cherry lime frosting.  It was pretty tasty...even my favorite FedEx person liked them (I was like the cupcake fairy, flitting around the mall).  PLUS, it turns out he likes to bake too!  I knew I liked that man...I'll take the cake on that.

(also, I discovered how to write on pictures this week ... and I'm pretty excited

... and there may or may not be dozens of pictures on my phone with captions...)

(you can find the recipe HERE)

6.  I have to take a stand.  I am anti - eggs - in - ice - cream.  I went to make ice cream a couple weeks ago and decided to take on the laborious process of egging on the stove.  I lovingly separated the eggs and beat them and put them in a pot.  But, you see...there is a VERY, VERY fine line between egg foam and scrambled eggs.  I dipped my spoon in the pot and decided that the foam for my ice cream was done.  I went to turn off the burner and all of a sudden...I had this grooooossssss curdled mixture.  I was shocked and horrified (and maybe just a little bit heartbroken).  Needless to say, I lack finesse with this part of ice cream making.

For now, I'm sticking to the easier ice cream bases until I work up the courage to try again.  Which, let's be honest...might not be for a while.  There are plenty of yummy no-cook recipes out there!  In fact, some of them I found in the middle of the night after one of my nightmares (you should at least be productive when you're up for no reason).

This was my ice cream venture with Fancy this week...

Lemon Ice Cream with Lemon Sauce and Raspberry Sauce

(all homemade, all fresh ingredients!)

It was lick the spoon yummy...not too tart, not too sweet.  Just right.    

Here's hoping you have a weekend that's just right!

xo,

the unsolicited baker

pin me happy

HOLY CUPCAKE CATASTROPHE!

I utterly bombed a batch of cupcakes this morning.  There I was, mixing up some banana goodness in my jammies listening to One Direction.  (Get up, Get up, Get Outta My Head!)  Feeling good...like my cupcakes were going to be that ONE THING.  Next THING you know, I pull these grody cupcakes out of the oven.  Seriously awful.   I can't even put up a picture, I am so ashamed.  What disaster!  What misery!  They taste like cardboard muffins!  I don't even like cardboard!  How do I blog about cardboard????

I put my feelings aside and said BUMP THIS.  I'm going to write about something fabulous.  In fact, why not write about someONE fabulous?  My Best Friend!!

We have so much in common, it's a little bit obnoxious.  We've been best friends for the last hundred years.  We love birthdays, pink, wine, chocolate, cupcakes, chocolate cupcakes, reading books on the beach, shopping...and generally being pretty awesome.  She's the reason I'm cool today and how I know all the words to the music of RENT.  We share the same sense of humor and, let's face it...she thinks I'm funny...I think she's funny.  We keep each other around.  There aren't too many things that set us apart.  In fact, our differences are not so great at all.  She drinks Coke, I drink Diet.  She says pregnant, I say preggers.  And bestie.  And other shortened words that I think make her eyeballs twitch.  Whatev.

She also likes Pinteresting.  Did I say like?  I meant LOVE.  Who am I kidding?  I do too!  Except, she actually manages to keep her boards full and updated.  Unlike me.  I get so excited about the crafting and baking I could be doing in my life that I forget to repin.  A travesty of our times, I know.

Last weekend she sent me a picture of some cute-a-licious sprinkle pancakes (she probably won't like that word either).  I asked her if she PIN-ed her own creation.  To which she replied no.  What?  All these super adorbs creations and not a pin to her name?  I told her that I would dedicate a blog to her fabulousness so she could pin it all day till the cows come home!!

Great Pinterest Moments In The Life of My Bestie

Say hello to our BEACH JUICE.  Named Beach Juice if only for the simple reason that we could not force our creative minds to think of something better.  Also, we totally drank the whole thing ourselves...maybe it was that.  NOTE:  Awesome bestie substituted blackberries as the fruit.  

Follow suit and prepare to be wowed.

(Find Recipe HERE)

Wake Up!  Good Morning WAFFLE MAKER CINNAMON ROLLS!  My BF got married this year and therefore is ridiculously stocked in the kitchen gadget department.  This includes a fancy waffle maker (not to be confused with FANCY, the ice cream maker).  She found this super amazing pin on how to make cinnamon rolls in the waffle maker.  AWESOME!  Another reason to love breakfast with the bestie.  Also, don't be afraid to leave the rolls in for a bit or they turn out gooey.  Unless you like gooey.  

Like we do.  Then go on with your bad self.

(Find Directions HERE)

Holla at these Cute-a-Licious SPRINKLE PANCAKES!  Can you tell we love breakfast?  We also love bacon.  Turkey bacon...actually, where is the bacon in this picture?  There's something wrong.

This sprinkle picture also reminds me of one of our favorite Secret Indulgence Desserts (so wrong, but so right)...the Zaxby's Birthday Cake Milkshake.  Which, I should point out, only comes around in the summer...when our birthdays just happen to be.  Coincidence?  I think not.

(Find Recipe HERE)

Keep yourself posted to my blog for more PIN-tastic links courtesy of my very best friend.  LOVE her!  Give your bestie a hug and tell her (or him) why they ROCK today!

xo,
the unsolicited baker
(bestie of the coolest pinner around)

all you need is love (and cupcakes)

It's time again for Frankly Friday!
Otherwise known as ... my life this week in a list.


1.  I've got to come clean about something.

I really loathe doing the dishes.  Hate it.  Wish for any other chore but the laborious and gross task that lies before me after getting my bake on.  Clearly, you must see my problem.  I bake...a lot.  Therefore, I have a lot of dishes.  Really, now?  Too many whisk-it moments ruined by the certain prospect of cleaning up a particularly gooey ingredient.  Ick.

This is why I felt like I won the boyfriend lottery when I found out my love bear "doesn't mind" doing the dishes.  Sweet wonderfulness!  Could I be any luckier?  Cute, funny, sweet, doesn't mind using Dawn.  Checklist complete!

Now...if only he was here right now to suds up all these bowls...


2.  This week, I found myself addicted to my newest catchphrase... SHUT.  IT.  As in, "There's a new dress that comes in a navy stripe?  SHUT.  IT."  Or, "The bakery downtown has a Tiramisu cupcake on Sundays?  SHUT.  IT."

Catchy, eh?  I can hear you saying now...with a slight valley girl lilt and the emphatic pause between words...FABULOUS!

My previous catchphrases of choice (can you say catchphrases?) were SAD GIRL and I HATE YOUR FACE and DON'T GET CRAZY.  All equally amusing...and, under my careful guidance, took over the world.  Or at least the east coast.  Ahem.  Perhaps the Greater Columbia Area.  Whatever.


3.  The full moon tends to bring out the cray-cray in most people.  After some serious consideration, I decided I shall start a new Twitter feed called Mall Stories (#MallStories).  Like Tales from the Crypt...only scarier, cause they're true.


4.  This week I fell in love with the new Nike campaign (and Gabby Douglas...total girl crush!!!).  As if the Olympics wasn't enough to get every kid creating a pole vault in their living room...encouragement for every kind of body!  Way to go, Nike.  Love, love, love.

5.  That Betty Crocker better watch her back.  On August 1st, I got an e-mail saying Happy Birthday!  You get a free-surprise-baking-lover-booklet-of-awesomeness!  I thought...oh, how nice someone is recognizing that a birthday should be celebrated all year long.

Not 4 hours later, I got an e-mail that said OOOPS!  It's not your birthday!  Please accept this less cool booklet as an apology for reminding you that your birthday month is over.  Needless to say, this incited a very grouchy SHUT.  IT.

(That's okay, Betty.  That's okay.  I don't use your crappy cake mix, anyway!)

6.  There is something so right about baking and knowing exactly what you are putting into your dessert...and into your mouth.  I try to buy organic and fresh ingredients whenever I can, and truly  believe you can tell the difference.

This week I made some truly yummy Madagascar Vanilla Bean and Greek Yogurt Cupcakes with Chocolate Mousse Frosting.  The cake was nothing to write home about.  Maybe a postcard.  But the frosting?  Give me a dime so I can phone my mother!  (One million points for the person picking up on the Rod Stewart reference) (No, I am not ashamed that I love him and would have his babies).

 


7.  There is a bunny that likes to hang out in MY love bunny's yard.  I think it is just the cutest and try to catch it for a snuggle every so often.  The other day we saw him as we were getting ready to leave.

Boyfriend:  Ooooooh, look!  There's the bunny!

Me:  Awww.  How cute.  Can we keep him?

Boyfriend:  (turns to me and says, seriously)  Think we should get him some carrots from the store?

       ... Or is that just in the movies?

AHH!  How adorable is my boyfriend?

8.  I'd love it if people could stop drinking hater-ade for a week and try spreading a little happiness.  A little love.  An extra hug.  A smile.  It's free, easy and feels great!  Be the good.


Here's hoping that you have a wonderful Friday...full of love, hugs and good things that make you say SHUT.  IT.

xo,
the unsolicited baker











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