birthday wishes

Hurray!  July is just around the corner and I'm getting pretty darn excited about all things birthday month!  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE birthdays.  Your birthday, my birthday, a stranger's birthday...I'm not picky, let's celebrate!  Fiesta!  Surprise Parties!  Cupcakes!  Exclamation Marks!!!!

As I get older, all I really "want" for my birthday is to spend lots of time with the people I love.  And bake birthday things.  And get my way all month long (mwah ha ha ha).

But, in all seriousness...this year for my birthday month I'd like the following:

1.  I would like my favorite contestant on the Batchelorette to marry Emily.  One F Jef, I dig you.  You are super cool.  You would be a great birthday surprise...and I wish my hair could poof like yours.

2.  This dog.  His real name is Fizzy but I would probably call him Chewy.  Doesn't he look fresh from a Star Wars movie?  I saw him on the beach a few weeks ago when I was visiting my best friend.  He stole my heart when he waddled over to our sandy beach chairs.  Chewy and I would be great pals and probably be totally snarky about how Jabba can't lose any weight.  Anyone willing to dog-nap?  That would be lovely.

3.  An ice-cream maker!  I keep seeing lots of seriously awesome recipes for seriously yummy ice cream and sorbets.  It would also make an awesome wedding registry present...except, I can't see myself asking my love bunny to propose this summer just so I can have a kitchen gadget.  He might think I want to marry him just to make ice cream.  So totally not true.  But kind of.

4.  A synonym for the M Word that I hate so much (M-O-I-S-T).  Yuck.  Haven't found one that compares and doesn't make my ears hurt.  How will I ever describe my M Word Cupcakes?

5.  World Peace.

Well, I think that should do it for this year.  Except that I still haven't found the PERFECT birthday cupcake recipe yet.  Perhaps that will be #6.  I want to try a Tiramisu concoction but last night the strawberries in the grocery store were calling my name.  They were all hey, girl...what's your number?  I gave in.  They were too cute so I gave them my digits and took them home.  This morning I went berry crazy and made Strawberry Lemonade Cupcakes AND White Chocolate Strawberry Blondies.  Let me just tell you, they were both absolutely amazing.  I normally don't snack too much on my goodies...but today I just couldn't help myself.  The cupcakes were M word, light and lemony.  Which, really just means that I can eat more of them without feeling sugar overload.  The Blondies were super delish too...though my baking time for them WAY longer than the recipe called for.  I thought I was going to have a kitchen fail.  


Disaster was avoided, so I'm going to indulge my FULL self in a tiny nap followed by a spray tan. 
Here's hoping you love your birthday month as much as I do!


xo,
the unsolicited baker 

(Strawberry Lemonade Cupcakes Courtesy of The Busty Baker)

(White Chocolate Strawberry Blondies Courtesy of Love and Olive Oil)

you might be cranky if...

(I must preface this post with the fact that I was a wee bit cranky this morning...)

I ran out of contacts last week and had to make an eye appointment for this morning.  I must have blocked out the memory of this place because it was truly a test of my patience this morning.  I went in super early to fill out my paperwork...and left 1 hour and 42 minutes later.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!  Um, excuse me?  Could you PUH-LEEZE take me to see the doctor instead of talking about your baby's laundry detergent?  I'm going to go all smashy on your doctor's office in about 5 minutes.  And thank you for taking my driver's license and leaving it in the copier.  My eyes are starting to dart around looking for breakables.  Smash!  Smash!  

So I wait.  And wait some more.  Then, thank goodness, the crazy eye lady comes to get me.  Picture this...middle age, frizzy hair, red glasses, questionable scarf choice, seriously wrong underwear and the wide eyed twitchy squirrel look that could only be brought about by way too many cups of coffee.  She takes me to the hallway where they have all the fancy check your eye stuff, where I proceeded to wink this lady to death during the glaucoma test.  Then we go into a dimly lit office where I sit in the chair and she fiddles on the computer.  Oh, yes.  I did see you forget your password for the computer FOUR times.  Sigh.  Then she asks me to take off my glasses and read how many fingers she's holding up.  Um.  Six?  Like the number of cats you might be hoarding at home?  Am I right?  What did I win?

Suddenly, she leans back in her chair and lets out an enormous sigh...

Eye Lady:  Sigh.  Groan.  Oh my goodness...it's all coming back to me!

Me: (Thinking) What?  What came back to you?  How to do your job?

Eye Lady: Oh, well, this morning I woke up and my head was a hurting.  I thought I was going to throw up and it hurt from here...to here (demonstrating various head areas).  I thought I must have a migraine.

Me:  Oh, I get those sometimes.  Actually, I have some Excedrin Migraine in my bag...would you like some?  (Why I did this, I'll never know.  I was half asleep and way too nice.)

Miss I Take Pills From Strangers:  OH, wonderful!  I'll just take three.

Me.  Um.  Well, they have a LOT of caffeine in them.  Maybe you should take one or two.

Cat Hoarding Pill Popper:  Ha. Aha. Ha. Ha. Ha. HA.  I drink a pot of coffee before work every morning...I don't get the jitters any more.  Ha. Ahahahah.  Ha. HA.  (I think her eye may have actually twitched).

Me:  Okay.  (Thinking) This lady most definitely has a creepy doll collection too.

She left me in the romantically lit office while I waited for the doctor.  FOR. EV. ER.  I tried to Dalai Lama myself into zen but it just wasn't working.  Now, I consider myself a pretty conscientious person.  When I'm going to be so close to someone in a confined setting, I brush my teeth and chew gum.  Not my eye doc.  He walked in to check my peepers and got up close and personal.  His breath almost knocked me out while I was staring at the giant mole in the middle of his face through the lenses.  My breath?  It would have been more minty fresh if you had seen me an hour ago.  I almost wish I had garlic for breakfast.

Well, my exam is over and I'm not feeling so stabby any more.  In fact, I got a little wistful thinking that Eye Lady and Eye Doc are probably harboring secret love feelings for each other.  One thing is certain today.  I am switching eye care centers.

Hmmmm.  I'm not even sure how to transition into my tasty treat of the day...except to say that they take me to a happier place than my eye doctor's office.

Enter the S'MORES BAR!  I love S'mores.  Really, truly, utterly love them.  Every good memory of family vacations in the mountains and summer camp extravaganzas are filled with the smell of burning marshmallows.  When I saw this recipe for a S'mores bar, I couldn't help myself.  They are made with Golden Grahams which give it a surprisingly similar taste.  When I tried them, I chewed and thought...Wow.  These taste like S'mores.  I chewed some more and was all DANG!  THESE TASTE LIKE S'MORES!  Happy dance around the kitchen...they are as easy to make as a batch of Rice Krispy Treats!  I spent less than ten minutes getting everything together.  And, wouldn't you know?  There's no campfire needed!  Because, honestly?  My hair can't take much more than the humid summer weather.  Flat to Frizz to Fro in 60 seconds.  Add on a fire?  No thanks.  Here's hoping you have a lovely, smash-free Monday.  You should make the bars...total zen. xo, the unsolicited baker (Thank you, Thank you, Thank you browneyedbaker!)

ice it down

I'd like to raise an Appletini to my Dad this Father's Day! 

Here's to you, Drinker of Foo Foo Drinks Cause You're Manly.  Master of all things handy.  Wielder of the all-purpose catchphrase.  Chatter to just about anybody.  Listener to Girly Problems.  I salute you and your insistence that I learn practical things, like knowing what switch to flip when using a hairdryer, straightener, fan and stereo at once.  I know that I can count on you to tell me that I should ICE DOWN whatever problem I may have (whiplash, bruises, tummy aches, breakups).  Thank you, Dad, for being worried that I might marry Niles from Frasier and teaching me how to use a hammer and fix the toilet.  Three cheers that nothing will be quite as rustic as our family camping trips...and I won't actually die if I hike that far. 

To celebrate, I've made an Olive Oil Lemon Cake with lots of love...
I'm assuming he will use his need for speed to finish it as quickly as possible?

xo,
the unsolicited baker
(daughter of a really cool dad)

(recipe courtesy of completely delicious)

Even my baking assistant was ready to party for Father's Day!

hot fudge sauce...call me maybe?

I'm going to let you in on a big little secret.  My boyfriend?  He doesn't like sweets.  There is not a cookie, cake or pie that will catch his eye.  No sir.  He will wrinkle his nose at candy.  He will scoff at the very thought of ice cream.  To my cupcakes he says eeeew.

It's true.  He is a full blown case of sugar hater.  Now, while this is an admittedly healthy life option, it took me a while to wrap my head around it.  Sometimes I think back to our second date...all romantical and full of butterflies.  We finished dinner and I suggested we walk down the street to grab a cupcake from my favorite shop.  (In the rain, too!  That's just how I roll.)  I was all excited to be sharing this special cupcake moment with him...and he ate an entire cupcake.  For me.  No kidding!  I look back and think of how adorable that was...he must have had it baaaaaaaaad for me! 

When I broke the news to my parents about his savory-only-diet, they were a bit concerned.  I come from a family where my Dad can polish off a bag of M&Ms by himself in one sitting.  It was hard to explain.  It reminded me of that part in My Big Fat Greek Wedding..."He don't eat no meat?  Okay, we make lamb." Slowly, we have all come to accept his ways.  I've found out that no amount of prodding, pushing or lamb-making will change his mind.  But, even though my puddin' pop doesn't share my love for all things baking, we balance each other out.  He is the savory to my sweet.  He is the mellow to my high-strung-type-a.  It just works.  So, he can go ahead and wrinkle his nose.  He's the best just the way he is.  And, let's be honest, it means I don't have to share my dessert!

Let me tell you about something else that is the best just the way it is.  A recipe for homemade 10 minute HOT FUDGE SAUCE.  A Hot Fudge Sauce so good it will make you talk like Oprah.  The minute I stuck my spoon in that pot I wanted to say, "Look under your seats!  Everybody gets some HOT FUDGE SAUCE!!!!!!" in my Oprah voice.  "You get HOT FUDGE!  You get HOT FUDGE!"  Oh, yeah.  It's that yummy.  You might take it to prom.  Dance around with a jar of it.  Take family photos with it.  Give it your number and ask it to...Call Me Maybe?

Do you know what's even better?  (Oh, Stop it!  How can it get better?)  How ridiculously, stupidly easy it is to make.  I finished whisking and thought...did I miss a step?  Nope.  Whisk it and forget it.  Tra la!  I know what everybody will get for Christmas this year (ooops...spoiler alert!)  So, grab a mason jar and get to work!

xo,
the unsolicited baker

Call Me Maybe Homemade Hot Fudge Sauce

2/3 Cup Heavy Cream
1/2 Cup Light Corn Syrup
1/3 Cup Dark Brown Sugar
1/4 Cup Cocoa Powder
1/4 Teaspoon Sea Salt
6 Ounces of Bittersweet Chocolate, chopped & divided in half
2 Tablespoons of Unsalted Butter
1 Teaspoon Vanilla

In a saucepan over medium high heat, bring the cream, syrup, brown sugar, cocoa powder, salt and half of the chocolate to a boil.  Reduce the heat to medium low or low as soon as it boils and cook for five minutes, stirring with a whisk occasionally.

Remove from heat after five minutes and stir in the remaining chocolate, butter and vanilla.  Let it cool for 30 minutes before you shove it in your mouth.  It keeps in an airtight container in the fridge for about two weeks.  Reheat in the microwave for 30 seconds to a minute...

(Recipe thanks to browneyedbaker!  Another keeper...)

my baking assistant

If Cher from Clueless and Gretchen Wiener from Mean Girls had a dog, it would be mine.  Don't let her sweet demeanor fool you...she is an airhead diva - minus the awesome closet.  Today we tried to go for a walk in the rain.  She tip-toed all around fussing about getting her little paws wet.  Honestly, I think she would hold her business all day if you let her.  Regardless of her tantrums, she is my baking assistant.  Always peeking around the corner...wondering if today will be the day I am making cupcakes for her.  She pines for them and is thinking up clever ways to sneak a taste of whatever I'm making.  It really makes me worried when she is too quiet.

Following our (very short) walk, my baking assistant and I made Cherry Coke cupcakes!  It is Employee Appreciation Week at work...and, seeing as they were my very first guinea pigs, I'm treating them to something special.  Also, I am crossing my fingers that this cupcake does not send them straight into the arms of Jenny Craig.  I'm pretty sure they will want to more than just one.  Probably two.  Or ten.  Actually, I'm not sure I made enough.

I used the Cherry Coke Float recipe from browneyedbaker.com for today's baking festivites.  I kept all of the recipe the same except for the frosting and glaze.  Because I had no heavy cream AND I ran out of vanilla.  You can be shocked, it's okay.  I thought I was trending toward baking supply hoarding - but obviously not. 

The batter for these cupcakes looked like a big bowl of chocolate gelato...mmmmm.  I spooned the mixture into my super duper cute hot pink polka-dot cupcake liners.  Ta-Da!  Into the oven (adjusted, of course, for my finicky non-stick pans) they went at 325 for 20 minutes.  I could just tell that they were going to be yummy and I had to focus all that excited energy into making the frosting.  As I said earlier, I ran out of almost everything I needed, so I improvised.  I used the teeeeeeeeny tiny bit of vanilla I had left, Coke, and the syrup from the cherry pie filling that goes in the cupcakes.  Please let me just tell you that it tastes JUST. LIKE. Cherry Coke.  This frosting was so flat out fab I started singing a little tune to its awsomeness.  I will spare you the words because it wasn't cool, but...I was totally singing. 

Cherry Coke Frosting

2 Sticks of Unsalted Butter (the GOOD stuff, for the love) at Room Temperature

5 Cups of Powdered Sugar

1 Tbsp. Vanilla

3 Tbsp. Coke

2 Tbsp. Cherry Pie Filling Syrup (sans cherries, por favor)

First, whip that butter into shape.  For five minutes...and don't cheat!  That's what makes the frosting so dang good.  Then alternate between powdered sugar and the various wet ingredients (for example, in case you don't get it...sugar, vanilla, sugar, coke, sugar, coke, sugar, coke, sugar, cherry, sugar, cherry...) Mix on low speed with every addition.  When you're finished, give it a good whir to make it nice and fluffy!  Then, taste the awesome.  You might not want to share.

So my next step was taking out a tiny hole in the middle of the cupcake so that I could fill it with cherries.  I may or may not have eaten all the holes.  It is a mystery as to where they went. 

Then I frosted those cupcakes and I could not wait to take a bite.  They are ridiculously good.  I would say I've got extras, but I think I'll be sharing these with everyone I see! 

xo,
the unsolicited baker

he's so dreamy

Like any normal Sunday afternoon, I felt myself drawn to Target.  I walked in with the intention of purchasing eyeliner and walked out with...um, well, probably just too much.  My boyfriend and I browsed the aisles and finally forced ourselves to checkout.  The lady in front of us must have had a porcupine up her backside with the attitude she gave.  Please. Calm. Down.  I rolled my eyes and wished that people would be a lot nicer to retail workers.  When it was my turn, I looked at the cashier and gave her my very best smile.  And...nothing happened.  Have a great day and thanks for shopping.  I was loading up my arms with bags when I witnessed my boyfriend charming the pants off that lady.  It was like the scene in You've Got Mail when Tom Hanks woos the cashier into swiping the credit card in a cash only lane.  "Rose?  That's a great name..."  Oh, yes.  He was the dreamiest thing to come through her line.  She exlaimed, "Oh!  We eat the same lasagne!  It tastes good but it's so easy to make...right?"  I'm pretty sure it was his new haircut.

In honor of my charming love biscuit, I decided to mix up a dreamy little cocktail called the Tom Hanks.  Refreshing...just like the scene in Target today.  Might I also point out that it is Rose colored?  So clever!

The Tom Hanks

2 Parts Grapefruit Juice

2 Parts Malibu Rum

1 Part Lemon/Lime Perrier

Pour over ice, shake and enjoy!  Not in the mood for an adult beverage?  Try half grapefruit, half lemon/lime Perrier.  Yum!

Hmmmm....now all I need to do is watch You've Got Mail.  For the millionth time.  F - O - X

xo,
the unsolicited baker

liquor-rific

Nothing perks me up faster than thinking of new flavors for cupcakes.  The other day I was getting ready and remembered a little gem of a cupcake that my cousin made a few months ago.  It was chocolate and orange...and pretty much looked delish.  Then it hit me.  What if I added some orange liquor to the mix?  Cue the angelic choir and part the clouds!  I patted myself on the back for my extreme culinary innovation...and headed to the liquor store.

The local booze shop is a veritable powerhouse of alcoholic choices.  Wine and Beer?  Take the door to your left, good sir.  All you future stars of an Intervention episode?  Liquor to the right!  I've taken up boozy baking as a hobby and I find myself there often.  I wish I could preface my trips with, "Oh, this giant bottle of Tequila?  No, no.  I'm not drinking this all by myself...I'm going home to make cupcakes."  I imagine the cashier will look at me and shake her head...So that's what the kids are calling it these days.  Perhaps people everywhere will start using this as their drinking catchphrase.  Downing a bottle, they will yell out "Don't worry, liver.  I'm just baking!"

At the very least, I find my trips to the liquor store an adventure in humanity.  Just last week I found myself in front of a mother and son at checkout.  I turned to look at them and realized the boy had his mouth clamped down on the conveyor belt.  Like. A. Cookie.  Yes, I know what you're thinking.  ALL those germs!  My eyes drifted to the mom wondering how she would react.  Naturally, she was staring off into space clutching onto a bottle.  I tried so hard not to judge.  Who knows?  If I had a kid like that...I might drink birthday cake vodka, too.

Oh, how I digress.  My boozy baking was waiting!  I couldn't wait to get home and whip up a batch of these darlings.  I decided to use my favorite dark chocolate cupcake recipe from the blog browneyedbaker.  I found a bar of chocolate with orange peel to substitute the dark chocolate she used in the recipe.  Total genius, I know.  I also added two tablespoons of the organic orange liquor to the batter when the vanilla goes in.  The batter looked fabulous...smooth and almost a mousse.  Into the polka-dotted cupcake liners it went!

But, oh, what happened next makes me sad.  Darn my non-stick cupcake pans.  They have ruined my baking on more than one occasion.  I pulled out the cupcakes only to find them DRY.  Gross.  There is nothing worse than a crumbly cupcake.  The only thing that made it better was the frosting I whipped up while they were in the oven (getting really, really dry).  I used the Vanilla Buttercream recipe from the same blog and added 5 tablespoons of orange liquor and only 1 tablespoon of the vanilla.  Now, the trick is to WHIP that butter for the full five minutes.  The result?  A bowl of shut the front door and eat the bowl deliciousness.  I had a very difficult time not sticking my entire face in the bowl.

My takeaway from this baking session?  Thank goodness for liquor-rific Buttercream.

Wine, champagne, liquor or beer - baking is fun when they are near!
Unleash your boozy baker.

xo,
the unsolicited baker

whisk-it, baby

Well, there's nothing like a rainy day to start blogging! 

Welcome to The Unsolicited Baker...where I explore my need to bake (a lot) and force feed others (co-workers, friends, family, the UPS man).  I bake out my feelings and share...an obsession I'm not sure is completely normal but is thankfully super yummy.  Those margarita cupcakes?  A good day.  That triple batch of chocolate cupcakes that is splayed all over my counter?  Um.  Long, no good, very bad day.  I've been whisking my feelings for about a year now, and it's pretty safe to say that my loved ones are used my cathartic batches of cake.

Shockingly, I don't end up eating all of my baked goods.  A spoonful of frosting here...a bite of lemon cake there.  What I truly love is giving away these sweet things I've created.  Seriously, there is nothing more enjoyable to me than watching someone smile from a cupcake!  It's like getting a surprise letter in the mail.  Joy!  Except it's a surprise cupcake.  Joy!  With 300 calories!

I always wonder the week will hold and what I will bake for.  This week?  No birthdays, holidays or Batchelorette-watching parties.  Hmmm...let's hope there are some awesome day cupcakes in the future.  Until then, whisk, mix or get your spatula on!

xo,
the unsolicited baker