who's afraid of ... everything?

Last night my Fee - Yawn - Say and I settled down to watch the newest episode of Walking Dead.  We sat huddled on the couch together and squealed in unison at every surprise zombie that reared its ugly head.
It was awesome.

Then we had to decide who was going to let the dog out.

Fee-Yawn-Say:  Why don't you let Herby out?

Me:  Oh, you know ... I think I'm going to brush my teeth.  Or drink this glass of water.  Or pick this imaginary piece of lint of my shirt.  Or something really, really important.

Fee-Yawn-Say:  Well I don't want to go outside.  What if there are Zombies?

Me:  Exactly.  That's exactly why you need to go outside.  You're the man.

Fee-Yawn-Say:  Well, you know I don't believe in those gender roles.

And that's how it goes every time we watch something scary.  Which tends to be a issue because we've developed this (SERIOUS) addiction to the Investigation Discovery Channel.  No, really.  It's a problem.

What should we do tonight?  Date night?  Crafting?  Listening to music by the romantic fire?

Nope.  How about we watch Fatal Vows?  (Of course!  Terrific!)  Deadly Women?  (I knew we were meant to be together!)  Stalked?  (You come up with the sweetest ideas!)

Sigh.  If only those shows didn't end with "And this serial killer could be your neighbor.  No, really.  He could be next door...they never caught him..."

Crap.

I just hope that I develop some sense of  bravery before I have kids.  I have visions of my pudgy toddler waddling in ...
"Mommy, I think there's something under my bed!"
Oh, really?  Um.  That stinks, honey.  I hope you didn't want me to look under there.
"Mommy, there's something in my closet!"
Well, that's really too bad.  The flashlight is in the kitchen drawer.
"Mommy, something went bump in the night!"
Good luck with that.
"Mommy, I'm afraid of the dark!"
ME TOO!!!!

Not sure how that's going to go over.  What would I do if I actually found something in the closet - under the bed - behind the shower curtain?  Probably faint.

So, wish me luck.  It's a tough life being afraid of everything.




xoxo,
the unsolicited baker

what the shell just happened?

BOO!

Did I scare you?  I was beginning to feel a little like Casper on this blog ... POOF!  Invisible for the last month.  I figured it was high time to dust off the cobwebs on my laptop and get back to all things awesome!

Speaking of awesome.

It is officially October.  And Fall.  And Pumpkin Time.
And I might be going a little crazy.
Can I get some fall weather and turning leaves and an apple orchard down here in the south?
Pretty please with a caramel apple on top?  I could throw in some maple ice cream, I'm not stingy.
Yeah, that's what I thought.

It's so warm down here that my beach vacation this past week was beautiful.  All warm and breezy during the day and slightly cooler at night.  But I was totally on my phone taking hits of social media crack looking to score the next best fall recipe.  (Darn you, Twitter and Pinterest!)  I packed all my cute sweaters in the hopes that maybe ... just maybe ... it would get cool enough to wear them.

Nope.
Walked barefoot on the beach and didn't even get cold.  Speaking of walks on the beach ...
When my Fee-Yawn-Say and I started dating we took our first vacation together to this very same beach house (compliments of his very wonderful sister and her husband...love them!).  We took a romantical walk on the beach and he picked up a perfect shell and twirled me around ... and sigh ... adorable.  Anyway, I saved our LOVE SHELL because I am terribly sentimental and all that crap.  Barf.

Fast forward a year and some change to this week.
We took a walk on the beach ... and he stopped ... and picked up a shell ...

ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.  I totally had a moment.  He remembered!  I thought he was going to add it to our LOVE SHELL collection and we would show our kids and talk about how it made us all googly - eyed and lovey - dovey.

But then, suddenly, the shell goes careening through the air and some terrifying seagull snaps it up in one ghastly bite.  My Fee-Yawn-Say turns to me with a huge grin ... and says, Isn't that awesome that the bird caught it and thought it was food?

My jaw dropped.  I was speechless.  No! ... WAIT!  That was our LOVE SHELL.

WAIT...

YOU.  THREW.  AWAY.  OUR.  LOVE.  SHELL?

The conclusion to this story is that another shell was found.  But it was not as sweet.  And I still hate birds.

However, here is the yummy recipe that I found thanks to my crack addiction ... that kind of - sort of makes up for the lost LOVE SHELL.

But not really.

PUMPKIN SPICE BUNDT CAKE WITH CREAM CHEESE HONEY BOURBON GLAZE

(fall into fall ... or, fall face first into this cake)

I went to decorate this sweet little cake and decided to add some candy corn pumpkins.
Said pumpkins are from the third bag I've purchased since the "season" started.  Don't hate.
Said cake started looking suspiciously like Peter Rabbit and his carrots threw up on it.  So, I apologize.
I meant for this to look like a FALL cake.  But the candy makers at Brach's leave something to be desired in the way of pumpkin accuracy.
A-gourding to me ... they look like carrots.
Okay, I'm done.
I'm funny, but done.

And you can find this FABULOUS recipe ... HERE

Should you ever find yourself WHAT THE SHELL just happened?
Make this cake.  It's delicious.  And M WORD.
And should you devour your cake leaving only bitty crumbs?
Blame it on those "dang rabbits" raiding the carrot patch.
I won't tell.

xoxo,
the unsolicited baker

a love story about cupcakes (just kidding)

It feels like 400 years since the last time I was able to post on this little blog of mine.  You see, I've been quite busy.  Working.  Traveling.  Eating cake.  

And, you know, like ...

GETTING  ENGAGED! 

(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Holy Moly!  I can't stop smiling.  I can't stop talking like Oprah!  I most certainly can't stop using exclamation points after every single one of my sentences!  I'm too excited!  Too happy!  Too In (Mushy Make-You-Want-To-Throw-Up-Your-Lunch) LOOOOOVE.  

It's official!  The Boyfriend has become the FIANCE!  Doesn't that sound so Fancy??  I do think that word sounds a might pretentious for my taste, so I like to pronounce it like Honey Boo Boo:

FEE - YAWN - SAY

See?  Much better.

So...here's how it happened.

I was SURPRISED.  Seriously.  Earlier that day one of my co-workers asked me when he was going to ring me up.  I totally replied, "Oh, you know, I don't know ... like, maybe next year?"  Nope.  Not true.  He definitely did it before dinner.  My stud muffin had been conspiring for 10 days!  He chatted with my Dad, planned with his smooth moves with his sister.  I just couldn't believe how long he kept it a secret!  

We were SUPPOSED to go out to dinner with his sister and her husband (all lies).  So, I put on a cute dress and didn't eat much all day in preparation.  We walk out the door of his house to go meet them for the fake dinner and there they were just sitting in their car on the road.  Strange.  Well, of course I was just so excited to see them that I started waving and saying hey.  Next thing I know my love was on his knee with the sweetest, most beautiful ring ever.  (PLUS he picked it out ALL by himself!!)

And I totally didn't get it.  I was THAT surprised.  I'm sure it was one of those awkward moments for the history books.  I looked at him.  Looked at the ring.  Looked at him.

Ooooooooooh.

There were these adorable signs in the yard that said Will You Marry Me?  And that's when I started to tear up.  Boo-Hoo.  Weep like a little baby.  UGLY cry.  I think I said yes through the snuffles, but I'm not really sure.  His sister got out of the car to take pictures of us and I'm all sweaty, crying and just plain happy.  (Lesson learned.  Always keep concealer in your purse.  You will NEVER anticipate when you will get engaged or start ugly crying.)  Also, I think I might need a manicure with all these people looking at my hands...

How lucky am I to be marrying this man?!?!?!

I am beyond happy and will be posting all sorts of lovey dovey crap that will  make you want to ralph.  But, you know what?  I don't care!  I reach for everything with my left hand.  I will tell you about my first engaged Diet Coke.  My first engaged Saturday.  My first engaged brunch (ruined by a bomb threat...another story for another day).  I'm going to watch Father of the Bride and channel my inner Franck.  I'm going to Pinterest for hours until my phone dies.  I'm going to blind you with my fabulous ring until you need Band-Aids for your eyeballs.  What time is it?  Oh, it's Engagement O'Clock.  Also, I am going to do my very best to avoid any vicious Engagement-Zilla moments.  You're welcome in advance.  

So, get ready readers!  I've got lots of yummy recipes and sappy love moments coming your way!

xo,

the ENGAGED unsolicited baker

stupidly funny

we return again to frankly friday!
(random musings from the week)

1.  Let's talk spiders.  I found one in the trash can this week on Monday.  I found one on my sweater on Wednesday.  Freak out, Freak out!  They seem to flock to me like it's mating season.  Hello?  I'm never going to conquer my arachnophobia with all these eight-legged horror stories!  (How my mother ever thought I would enjoy the book Be Nice To Spiders as a child is simply beyond me.)

So, here's the deal ... Don't like 'em.  Don't want 'em.
Contrary to the book, I WILL NOT be nice to you.
Not at work.  Not at home.  Not anywhere.  No thank you.

A haiku for the spiders...

I hate you spiders

You will be hit with my shoe

Eight legs no more, die

I hope they all get my PSA (Public Spider Announcement) and decide to check in elsewhere before total annihilation.

2.  Speaking of childhood bookshelves...I also received a book called The Stupids for some holiday or birthday as a youngster.  Remember that book series and/or movie?  Yep, it was pretty stupid.

But, here's the thing ...

I wasn't ALLOWED to say stupid in my house.  Or crap.  Or dang.  Or butthead.  Or shut-up.

So my Momma got her Sharpie out and went to town.  She crossed out EVERY single stupid and wrote in funny.

It looked a lot like this:

       FUNNIES
The STUPIDS had a cat they named Dog.

I still think this is hysterical.  I'll have to thank my Mother for my twisted sense of humor.

3.  Speaking of family, I share my Netflix password with my sister.  Therefore, my Netflix has multiple personalities and does not REALLY know what I like.  Henceforth, it was suggested that I watch a Deadly Disaster Movie this week...   Huh?  You think I should watch Pierce Brosnan save a small town from a volcano this week?  Don't you know me at all?  It's like you WANT me to have nightmares!

Side Note:  Deadly Disaster movies get me so carried away that I end up worried that there will, in fact, be a tornado-hurricane-volcano-lightning-ebola outbreak-ice storm of the century in my backyard.

Let's just say that everything's fine and dandy until someone ends up dead in a hot spring.  May I ask one important question?  Why is there always a dog that might not make it out of the onslaught of lava?  I predictably end up in tears yelling at the movie...No, No!  Save the puppy!!  (Seriously, I look like I'm watching Intervention or a Hallmark commercial ... UGLY save the puppy cry.)
People?  Meh.  They can save themselves.  But the poor, sweet puppies?!?!?!  Ah!  Can't take it.

Somebody close my eyes and find me a box of tissues ... I'm about to change my Netflix password.

4.  PEACHES PEACHES PEACHES PEACHES PEACHES

Who decided it was a good idea to tell me it was National Peach Month?  You know how I feel about holidays.  Mandatory celebrating!  Obligatory Peach Peeling!  Repetitive singing of the late 90's hit ... Now, what was that song again?  Oh!  Peaches!!  Millions of Peaches!!

Whew.  Someone reign me in here.

I made some delightful ice cream this week with ... you guessed it!  Peaches!  I added some extra vanilla and vanilla beans and it turned out like a Peach Creamsicle.  Yum.

Peach Creamsicle Ice Cream

(Find the recipe HERE)

5.  The Boyfriend and I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to decide what Herbie the puppy should be for Halloween.  He snores JUST like a little piglet, which makes us want to give him a curly cue tail.  However, he is prissy and takes naps on the couch like a little fur ball kitty cat.
Decisions, decisions.
But yesterday I found this picture of a shark.
Oh.  My.  Goodness.
SHARK WEEK!!

We haven't bothered to ask the puppy what he wants to be.  Herbie totally thinks he is a tiger. 

 Until football season.  Then, NO TIGERS ALLOWED in the house!  Only Gamecocks.  

So, it will be totally cool if he's a shark for Halloween.  Right?  

6.  I will leave you with a final shocking fact.  My love bear has never seen Star Wars.

Seriously.

(That sound you just heard?  It was the collective gasp of nerds across the country.)

This fact has never been more evident than on Tuesday ... when he asked me, "Who is Carrie Fisher?"
Holy Moly.
The Force is not with you, my love.

(My Baking Assistant using her Jedi mind tricks to get more treats from me.  

This is also similar to her PET ME face...Hmmm.  Pet me now, you will.)

I hope that all of you have an anti-spider, stupidly funny, disaster free, peachy keen and force filled SHARK WEEK!

xoxo,

the unsolicited baker

driving miss daisy

It has recently come to my attention that I might be an old lady trapped in an impossibly hip young body.  Yes, my friends.  I must have fooled you big time.  The boyfriend seems to think that my slow driving qualifies me for the senior discount at the movie theater.

So I got to thinking...and I found myself equally divided between cool twentysomething and Rose from the Golden Girls.  (Which, if you ask me, only adds to my charm.)

Please take this little quiz to determine if you, too, are an old lady:

1.  Do you drive too slow?
2.  Do you find Grumpier Old Men, Diagnosis Murder and Monk to be entertaining?
3.  Do you bruise easily and find yourself wildly uncoordinated?
4.  Do you like to knit?
5.  Do you know the word fiddlesticks or have ever used it in conversation?
6.  Do you yell the answers to Jeopardy at the televison?
7.  Do you enjoy a good cardigan to keep the evening chill at bay?
8.  Do you have a few spry and stubborn gray hairs?
9.  Do you need glasses or contacts for just about every activity?
10.  Do you find bran muffins a yummy breakfast treat?

Did you answer YES to most of these questions?  Well, then.  Thank your Grandma for the tips and join me at the Early Bird Special.

It's the pits being old.  And so are my peaches.  I stopped to pick up a basket yesterday from a local stand and by golly those things aren't ripe yet!  Patience is not one of my stronger virtues (point for the hip young person) so waiting for peaches is practically torture.  Especially when all of the recipes I want to make involve them.  Like Peach Pie.  Peach Ice Cream.  Peach Crumble.  Mmmmmmmm.....

I got so dang hungry thinking that I went to the kitchen so that I could make something...anything...to make me feel better about being elderly.  I haven't been to the grocery store in a few days so I prepared to improvise.  And what did I come up with?  Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins.  Definitely not hip.  Do the young people today even say hip?  Just put me on The Golden Girls already!

Poppin' Poppy Seed Muffins

These muffins are SO tasty!  They are light, lemony and M WORD. 

 So good, in fact, that I ate three.  

Waste not, want not, people.  

Now, I'm going to go rip a napkin in half and eat one more of these muffins.  Cause half a napkin means saving money ... cause we're in the depression ... I mean a recesssion ... nevermind.

Fiddlesticks!

Where's my Metamucil?

xo,
the unsolicited baker



 

if it's not fruity...it's probably nuts

Let me be frank about something...IT'S FRIDAY!
(my random musings from the week)

1.  This week started out with the most wonderful Sunday.  Oh, it was bliss.  The kind where you stop and marvel at the sheer beauty of the day...and the fact that you are breathing deep with relaxation.  Sigh.

My boyfriend and I ate brunch at a favorite restaurant and followed up with a trip to my favorite bakery.  It was the perfect start to Terrific Lady Day!  The bakery had a Tiramisu cupcake and I just HAD to try it!  (No, my love bear did not go in with me ... something about the smell of sweets and allergies or some nonsense).  All I can say is that there were googly eyes made at the cupcake ... and there was some eating involved.  Perhaps before we even got home.  Couldn't say.

To work off all that cake, we took a wee trip to the lake.  It was a beautiful day, so when I pulled out my book to start reading, the sky looked something like this:

(Do you feel like you're on a boat because my picture is tilted?  Totally ON PURPOSE.  Kind of)

Not an hour later, I had the sneaking suspicion that we were headed the wrong way.  

Like, into the rain.  

Like, my boo bunny wants to be part of Storm Chasers. 

Like, we can't watch that show ever again. 

Like, this is no longer Terrific Lady Day.  Refund Please.

Like, get me out of here...?

(eek.  the imposing storm...dun, dun, dun)

Never fear.  We survived.  

And ... I got a watermelon from a roadside stand out of the whole ordeal.  

TLD success?  I think so.

2.  Speaking of melons...I've had this issue on Twitter...and it makes me want to write a letter.

     Dear Adult Entertainment Stars that mysteriously follow me on the Twitter,
     I understand that you are into comparing lady bits and all that...but I like mine just fine
     thank you very much and don't need to see yours.
     Surely you understand?  Keep up the good work inspiring Honey Boo Boo's future profession.
     Love, Me

3.  Do you know what seems nuts to me?  Having three bad dreams in one week.  Three!  I never remember my dreams and all of the sudden...BOOM.  Bad dreams about summer camp, bugs and a poem.  Oh, you read that right.  A poem.  My mother used to lull me to sleep reciting some truly terrifying poetry.  Of course, at the time, I thought nothing of it - good rhythmic words and I was out like a light.  But looking back?  I was probably such a good child because of these poems.  If you would like to subliminally teach your child respect and promote possible nightmares as an adult, please memorize the following poem: Little Orphan Annie.  I agree that you should mind your parents, teachers and elders...but there are goblins in the poem.  That will get you...if you DON'T WATCH OUT.  Really?  Who thought that was age appropriate?

I'll have to thank my mother.

4.  I would really like a John Stossel button that, when pushed, says GIVE ME A BREAK!  Has that already been invented?  I feel like I'm onto something good here...

5.  So, sometimes on a weeknight during happy hour...I get a sideways glance from my love biscuit.  I know that said look could mean one of two things:
A.  Trouble.
B.  That he will be "whisking me away" to the Sonic for a half-price slushie.

Usually it's the slushie...

Now, I'm not the world's most avid slushie fan.  I'd really rather have a milkshake.  But I could tell that the flavor combinations would make an excellent cupcake.  So...I got to work and found a recipe that tasted pretty darn close....

Please meet the cherry limeade cupcake...a lime cake base with a limeade glaze topped with a cherry lime frosting.  It was pretty tasty...even my favorite FedEx person liked them (I was like the cupcake fairy, flitting around the mall).  PLUS, it turns out he likes to bake too!  I knew I liked that man...I'll take the cake on that.

(also, I discovered how to write on pictures this week ... and I'm pretty excited

... and there may or may not be dozens of pictures on my phone with captions...)

(you can find the recipe HERE)

6.  I have to take a stand.  I am anti - eggs - in - ice - cream.  I went to make ice cream a couple weeks ago and decided to take on the laborious process of egging on the stove.  I lovingly separated the eggs and beat them and put them in a pot.  But, you see...there is a VERY, VERY fine line between egg foam and scrambled eggs.  I dipped my spoon in the pot and decided that the foam for my ice cream was done.  I went to turn off the burner and all of a sudden...I had this grooooossssss curdled mixture.  I was shocked and horrified (and maybe just a little bit heartbroken).  Needless to say, I lack finesse with this part of ice cream making.

For now, I'm sticking to the easier ice cream bases until I work up the courage to try again.  Which, let's be honest...might not be for a while.  There are plenty of yummy no-cook recipes out there!  In fact, some of them I found in the middle of the night after one of my nightmares (you should at least be productive when you're up for no reason).

This was my ice cream venture with Fancy this week...

Lemon Ice Cream with Lemon Sauce and Raspberry Sauce

(all homemade, all fresh ingredients!)

It was lick the spoon yummy...not too tart, not too sweet.  Just right.    

Here's hoping you have a weekend that's just right!

xo,

the unsolicited baker

pin me happy

HOLY CUPCAKE CATASTROPHE!

I utterly bombed a batch of cupcakes this morning.  There I was, mixing up some banana goodness in my jammies listening to One Direction.  (Get up, Get up, Get Outta My Head!)  Feeling good...like my cupcakes were going to be that ONE THING.  Next THING you know, I pull these grody cupcakes out of the oven.  Seriously awful.   I can't even put up a picture, I am so ashamed.  What disaster!  What misery!  They taste like cardboard muffins!  I don't even like cardboard!  How do I blog about cardboard????

I put my feelings aside and said BUMP THIS.  I'm going to write about something fabulous.  In fact, why not write about someONE fabulous?  My Best Friend!!

We have so much in common, it's a little bit obnoxious.  We've been best friends for the last hundred years.  We love birthdays, pink, wine, chocolate, cupcakes, chocolate cupcakes, reading books on the beach, shopping...and generally being pretty awesome.  She's the reason I'm cool today and how I know all the words to the music of RENT.  We share the same sense of humor and, let's face it...she thinks I'm funny...I think she's funny.  We keep each other around.  There aren't too many things that set us apart.  In fact, our differences are not so great at all.  She drinks Coke, I drink Diet.  She says pregnant, I say preggers.  And bestie.  And other shortened words that I think make her eyeballs twitch.  Whatev.

She also likes Pinteresting.  Did I say like?  I meant LOVE.  Who am I kidding?  I do too!  Except, she actually manages to keep her boards full and updated.  Unlike me.  I get so excited about the crafting and baking I could be doing in my life that I forget to repin.  A travesty of our times, I know.

Last weekend she sent me a picture of some cute-a-licious sprinkle pancakes (she probably won't like that word either).  I asked her if she PIN-ed her own creation.  To which she replied no.  What?  All these super adorbs creations and not a pin to her name?  I told her that I would dedicate a blog to her fabulousness so she could pin it all day till the cows come home!!

Great Pinterest Moments In The Life of My Bestie

Say hello to our BEACH JUICE.  Named Beach Juice if only for the simple reason that we could not force our creative minds to think of something better.  Also, we totally drank the whole thing ourselves...maybe it was that.  NOTE:  Awesome bestie substituted blackberries as the fruit.  

Follow suit and prepare to be wowed.

(Find Recipe HERE)

Wake Up!  Good Morning WAFFLE MAKER CINNAMON ROLLS!  My BF got married this year and therefore is ridiculously stocked in the kitchen gadget department.  This includes a fancy waffle maker (not to be confused with FANCY, the ice cream maker).  She found this super amazing pin on how to make cinnamon rolls in the waffle maker.  AWESOME!  Another reason to love breakfast with the bestie.  Also, don't be afraid to leave the rolls in for a bit or they turn out gooey.  Unless you like gooey.  

Like we do.  Then go on with your bad self.

(Find Directions HERE)

Holla at these Cute-a-Licious SPRINKLE PANCAKES!  Can you tell we love breakfast?  We also love bacon.  Turkey bacon...actually, where is the bacon in this picture?  There's something wrong.

This sprinkle picture also reminds me of one of our favorite Secret Indulgence Desserts (so wrong, but so right)...the Zaxby's Birthday Cake Milkshake.  Which, I should point out, only comes around in the summer...when our birthdays just happen to be.  Coincidence?  I think not.

(Find Recipe HERE)

Keep yourself posted to my blog for more PIN-tastic links courtesy of my very best friend.  LOVE her!  Give your bestie a hug and tell her (or him) why they ROCK today!

xo,
the unsolicited baker
(bestie of the coolest pinner around)